My boys and myself celebrated the 4th of July at the races. It was a wonderful show. Displays of the colors before the show, American race cars racing down the track, and even jet cars. We were even treated to a wonderful fire work show. Did I mention Jet Cars? All great things to remind us of our freedoms in this country. There was one part of it that stood out to me more than anything. A wounded soldier was honored that had served in many conflicts. As I stared at him and thought of countless others who have fought for us, I was touched. My father being one of those individuals who served to keep us free. I honor and respect them.

Unfortunately these servants cannot fight every battle out there for us. No matter how much I wished for someone else to take my addiction from me, there is no way that could happen. Just like there has never been a magic pill I could take to remove lustful desires. There had been many times I have been on my knees praying for God to take away my addiction. Why could this not happen? I remember the first 12 step meeting I attended. 12 Steps, 12 weeks, No Problem!

Fast forward 10 years later, How stupid was I? This journey has never been easy.  I have had to fight these battles for myself to reach sobriety and my recovery. This battle had to be fought myself. I have many others who, cheered for me, supported me, and guided me. However it was when I decided to fight, to break lifelong habits and to recover did I start to see freedom.

During this 4th of July I honor those who have severed to provide my temporal and religious freedoms. I also honor myself for choosing to break generational habits and to do the work. I honor those who have been my support and guide. I especially honor those who provide the support and guidance for others. I honor everyone who had decided to do the work need to remove their shackles and be better men and women. These are the ones who will inspire others to give up addiction.

Spencer

Everything is ok! Still above ground! I am alive! I am just fine! I have said and heard these phrase by everyone. Prior to my own self-improvement this is truly how I admitted I felt. I am fine! The more I say it I realize that it means nothing. What does that tells us first off about a person. Fine is not a feeling. Fine is not a state of being. It is a word to describe high quality or at the same time it can be used to describe little. Like fine hair or fine string. For us today it has become a fancy word to say I don’t want to talk about myself or my problems.

Being a father with a 5 and 2 year old, I have noticed the range of feelings and emotions they have. I come home from work and I ask, how their day is. I will get either, it was good, I’m sad right now, or even I will walk in on a full blown tantrum. In most cases my kids are reactive based on their emotions. As they grow older then they will start to learn how to manage their emotions and use their intellect to react to their emotions. I have noticed that my children are never just fine.

Feelings and emotions is what makes us human. We are not robots. We are never going to be like one of my favorite science fiction characters like mister Spock. Granted Spock did have emotions and feelings he just suppressed them because they believed they were better than that. But we are humans. God gave us feelings. Why do you think when a baby is born they cry. They are feeling that emotion of being pulled into the world. How scary that is until they are cuddle up to their mother when they fell security again and are able to relax. Emotions are a part of us. Emotions can drive us, hinder us, or God forbid keep us stationary.

Spencer

The day my wife asked me if I was looking at pornography, I knew what I needed to do. I had researched overcoming my pornography habit and I wished I could have started earlier. Years before I had even met my wife I was trying to overcome it alone. Needless to say I got nowhere. The most I was able to accomplish was to abstain for a couple of days. These short term failures helped me create a fear that I would never be free from this. It continued to solidify my shame but it was also building more and more justification. If I could not beat this this I might as well accept it.

I was still a good guy. I attended church and interacted with others. I was working doing things that I enjoyed. I had started dating my wife. Still internally I still had a locked chest of fears. What if she found out then she would not love me. I deceived my wife all the way to the altar of marriage. I allowed fear to keep me from being honest.

I am grateful for the day and the courage my wife had to ask me if I was looking at pornography. It gave me strength to push passed the fear that I had been feeling for years. I knew what the path was that I needed to take. Prior to our marriage I had learned of a group I could attend to help deal with my problem. I was always too afraid to admit my problem so I let fear prevent me from going. Though it was scary going to my first 12 Step meeting, I attended despite my fear. Yet as I was there I found others that were struggling just like me. I saw hope for the future. 12 steps! No problem! I will have this done in 12 weeks and all of this will be put behind me permanently.

How naive I really was. While it helped me maintain abstinence for a while it was no time that I was back into my addiction. I began to limit my recovery by saying I am not going to do this or that. Still 10 years later I have learned that unless you pour your heart into recovery then you will not get better. We need to do everything that is necessary. That includes so much more than just a 12 step program. That is just one of the many tools we need to use every day.

Recovery is possible. Life can be much richer than it currently is. I know my wife better and she knows me. I have nothing else to fear with her. She knows the worst things about me and she still loves me. I am blessed to have her.

Spencer

Welcome! My name is Spencer. I am a husband, father, programmer, Christian, Star Wars fan, and I am a recovering addict.

I am in my late thirties and I spent majority of my life being enticed by sexuality. I was introduced to it when I was young and like any addiction its hooks were buried deep in my mind a heart. Pornography was my drug of choice and I could never get enough of it. I used every form I could get. At a young age it was the department store catalogs that excited me. That made way to swimsuit magazine, then pornographic material, and when I had access to the internet then there was no limit.

I married my beautiful wife 10 years ago and while it is the single greatest decision I have ever made, I made the mistake of hiding this addiction and baggage from her. I deceived her my letting her believe I had nothing to hide. It was 3 months after we were married that I was back in front of the computer, engaged in false pleasure. I remember the exact moment my wife asked me if I would look at pornography. At times I still can’t believe I had the courage to tell her of my addictive habit but it was that moment that I decided to seek recovery.

It has been 10 years of roller coaster sobriety and relapses. I felt as if I did not have enough self-control or desire to overcome my addiction. No amount of praying, church, or scripture took away my unhealthy sexual desires. I continually felt ashamed and worthless. There were times when I wanted to be out of my marriage so that I could lose myself in my addiction.

The tools for my freedom were given early in my journey of recovery, yet it took me 8 years to utilize them and take courage to use them in the correct way. As I look back I can see many things that I allowed myself miss out of, a lot of betrayal I caused. I regret many things in my past but I am grateful every day for my sobriety.

I hope to inspire others to take courage in walking the path of recovery. We may have been alone in our addictive bondage but the path to freedom takes a group effort.

Let us all rally together to free ourselves from addiction.

Spencer