The day my wife asked me if I was looking at pornography, I knew what I needed to do. I had researched overcoming my pornography habit and I wished I could have started earlier. Years before I had even met my wife I was trying to overcome it alone. Needless to say I got nowhere. The most I was able to accomplish was to abstain for a couple of days. These short term failures helped me create a fear that I would never be free from this. It continued to solidify my shame but it was also building more and more justification. If I could not beat this this I might as well accept it.

I was still a good guy. I attended church and interacted with others. I was working doing things that I enjoyed. I had started dating my wife. Still internally I still had a locked chest of fears. What if she found out then she would not love me. I deceived my wife all the way to the altar of marriage. I allowed fear to keep me from being honest.

I am grateful for the day and the courage my wife had to ask me if I was looking at pornography. It gave me strength to push passed the fear that I had been feeling for years. I knew what the path was that I needed to take. Prior to our marriage I had learned of a group I could attend to help deal with my problem. I was always too afraid to admit my problem so I let fear prevent me from going. Though it was scary going to my first 12 Step meeting, I attended despite my fear. Yet as I was there I found others that were struggling just like me. I saw hope for the future. 12 steps! No problem! I will have this done in 12 weeks and all of this will be put behind me permanently.

How naive I really was. While it helped me maintain abstinence for a while it was no time that I was back into my addiction. I began to limit my recovery by saying I am not going to do this or that. Still 10 years later I have learned that unless you pour your heart into recovery then you will not get better. We need to do everything that is necessary. That includes so much more than just a 12 step program. That is just one of the many tools we need to use every day.

Recovery is possible. Life can be much richer than it currently is. I know my wife better and she knows me. I have nothing else to fear with her. She knows the worst things about me and she still loves me. I am blessed to have her.

Spencer