I got really good at lying to myself. Not the obvious kind of lying. I wasn’t sitting there consciously making things up. It was subtler than that. My brain had developed this whole internal script, a set of stories that ran automatically whenever I was about to act out or when someone (or something) pressed me to look at my behavior honestly. “I can stop whenever I want to.” “It’s not hurting anybody.” “I’ve had a hard week. I deserve this.” “One more time, and then I’ll quit for real.” And somewhere in that same pile of lies was the story I told about my wife. I always had a reason she didn’t need to know. I told myself I was protecting her, that telling her would only cause her pain and I loved her too much to do that. It took me a long time to see that story for what it actually was. I wasn’t staying quiet to protect her. I was staying quiet to protect myself. I didn’t want her to know that I was already betraying her. That’s a hard thing to admit, even now. But it’s the truth, and the lie I wrapped around it was one of the most convincing ones I ever told myself. I believed all of it. That’s what made it so dangerous.

Researchers who study addiction call these cognitive distortions: patterns of thinking that consistently bend reality in ways that keep the behavior going. But I didn’t need a clinical term for it. I just knew that my mind had learned to build a case for the thing I was addicted to before I even had a chance to think clearly. And the longer the addiction went on, the more convincing those stories got. The brain is incredibly efficient. It will reinforce whatever it’s been trained to reach for. So if you’ve spent years reaching for pornography as a way to escape stress or loneliness or boredom, your brain doesn’t just learn to crave the behavior. It learns to justify it, automatically, in real time. The thought and the excuse show up together, as a package deal.

What finally started waking me up was learning that these stories aren’t the truth about me. They’re symptoms of a hijacked thought process. That’s not an excuse, but it is an important distinction. When I realized that my rationalizations were reflexes and not reality, I could start questioning them instead of just living inside them. “I can stop whenever I want.” Really? Then why haven’t I? “It’s not hurting anyone.” What about the version of myself that’s slowly disappearing? What about my wife, who deserved the truth and kept getting excuses instead? Something greater than myself wasn’t asking me to pretend those stories weren’t there. It was asking me to stop letting them be the last word. That’s where recovery started for me, not in willpower, but in the willingness to ask whether the story I was telling myself was actually true.

If you’re reading this and you recognize those voices, the ones that smooth over the problem right when you’re most vulnerable, I want you to know that noticing them is already progress. You don’t have to believe every thought you have. The story your addiction tells you is not the story something greater than yourself tells about you, and it’s not the story you have to live. Recovery is, in a very real sense, learning to rewrite the narrative one honest thought at a time. You can do that. I’m still doing it. And every time I catch the lie before it takes over, I get a little more of myself back.

Spencer

There is something humbling about returning to a place you left.

I started this site with a clear purpose — to be a resource for those fighting their way out of sexual addiction. Then life moved fast, and the posts stopped. Five years passed. The site sat quiet while the world kept spinning and people kept struggling.

I thought about coming back many times. I would open the laptop, stare at the screen, and talk myself out of it. Who was I to show up after five years of silence? What did I have left to offer? Those thoughts felt familiar. If you have spent any time in recovery, you recognize that voice. It is the same one that tells you that you have already messed up too much to start over. That the gap is too wide. That it is easier to just stay gone.

I have learned not to trust that voice.

So here I am. Not because I have everything figured out. Not because my story is finished or perfectly wrapped up. I am back because I believe this space still matters. Because there are people out there who are right now where I once was — isolated, ashamed, and convinced that no one else could possibly understand. I want them to know that someone does.

In the months ahead I plan to write weekly. We are going to dig into the real work of recovery — not just staying sober, but learning to feel again, to connect, to become the person that addiction tried to bury. Some of what we cover will be backed by research. Some of it will just be honest conversation.

All of it will be for you.

Welcome back. Let’s get to work.

Spencer

To gain recovery all addicts utilize some form of step work. But there is one crucial step that needs to be taken before that work begins. It is the moment of realization that there is a problem and we need to fix it. Before this realization, we know that there is a problem but we foolishly believe that it is under control. We believe that we are not hurting anyone. Because of the temporary pleasure we feel we are blinded to the true pain we cause ourselves and others. We are still not fully awake to the damage we are causing. 

The moment we realize that we need help can come at different times. For some, it is when they are caught by their wife or children. Others may lose their jobs or get arrested. And there are those who are exposed but still believe they can continue with even more determination to hide it. There are the rare few that acknowledge their addiction and get to work without damaging their relationships. 

 It does not matter how we got to this point in our lives, what matters is that we accept and embrace this step. It is the beginning and it is painful but it allows us to strive to be free. This is where we start taking the hammer to ourselves and start demolishing the parts inside that need remodeling. It is hard work to remodel especially ourselves but in the end, we become an honorable person. It all starts with waking up.

Who of us has not tried to overcome our addiction and yet always fell? We would decide enough is enough and grit our teeth, clench our fist, and out of sheer determination not act out again. How long did we last? For some, it may have been a few hours. Others, days weeks or maybe even months. And yet we always returned to acting out. Feelings of failure filled our hearts and minds. Yet we always attempted again and again. Our desire to break free was true so why could we not accomplish what we desired. Why could our minds not control our bodies?

Our brain alone is not superior to make meaningful change. For a significant change in ourselves, we need to include the heart and not just a determination or will power.  Determination must be part of our recovery, but it cannot be the reason. Determination alone lacks the continual motivations. True desires sink into our soul and we feel it in our heart. The heart may have been a part of our desire to change but it was not necessarily significant. To change ourselves we need to change our heart and then we can change our minds and ourselves. How do we begin to change our hearts? For me, it was I needed to give up things I thought I needed. Things like music, privacy on phone and computer. Others might be the gym, sports, or even work. Our desire to change needs to be more important to us than anything else and we must be willing to give up things to allow that change to happen.

A change of heart and determination need to work together to create change within ourselves. It is possible to have long periods of sobriety with just one of these, but it is when you use both together as a complete tool that transformation begins. In the end, we want to succeed in our mission. We want to show ourselves and others that we are not who we once were. We want to shed the feelings of shame that come from failure after failure. This is possible. We can be free if we change our true desire in our hearts to determine what is most important.

Current circumstances have left us isolated from others. Isolated from the support we need. Loneliness grips us all at times. For some, it is a daily companion. Others seem to be around people daily and still don’t get what their heart truly needs. Whether we know it or believe it, we need some form of emotional connection often. We all yearn for some way to connect with someone. We are looking for something to fill us. The great part of recovery is we need to connect almost daily with someone to get out of our minds. Connecting with other like-minded people continues to allow us to give support as well as receive it.

Consistent connection with others in like-minded endeavors support us in the ways we need. This is our community. We can have multiple communities at different times in our lives. A community for addiction recovery, one for weight loss, another for achieving financial freedom, and one for religion. We may not share all the same beliefs of those in our groups but we share enough to help each other draw strength and affirmation from. We can draw support from them when we are feeling weak and provide the same support when we are feeling strong. Our hearts yearn for connection and when we make the effort to find and connect with these groups, then our hearts start to be filled. It will assist us to overcome depressions and loneliness. It will help us find happiness.

How many times a day to we look at our phones, the internet, Facebook, or Instagram. We are constantly looking for something that will inspire us or connect with us. The thing about technology is it provides a great way for us to connect to the people and the world. Yet for many it causes them to be depressed and feeling worse than when they first go online.  We look and lust after people and things. We compare ourselves to others. We look at our little screen and see everything perfect for others but not ourselves. Yet if we took that little screen and blow it up on the big screen in front of us, what would we find? Will we see how dirty the countertops are? Would we see the massive amounts of debt that people have to keep this perfect charade? What we may see is that many of these people are just like us, lonely and looking for someone to talk to and express their frustrations and concerns.

I created this website a few years ago, but I could not find the time to work on it. Now with the current state of the world, I am drawn back to my website to provide sanity for myself and help for others. As an addict, during times of stress, old patterns of medicating start to creep back into our minds. No matter the length of sobriety we still have thoughts that press us to make us feel better. It is the lie that we have followed for years of addiction. That by giving into something we can control, it will help us feel better about what we cannot control. This is valid and it does work, provided we choose things that benefit us versus things that degrade us.

We are asked during this time to isolate from others. Many of us as addicts know the problem with isolation. When we are left to ourselves we tend to think only of ourselves and not how to connect with others. Connection is vital to addicts to break free from their self-created shells. It gives us something to look forward to. It is what our true heart has always yearned for.

My desire during this time, is to maintain my sanity, my sobriety, and provide support for others. I have been sober from pornography and masturbation for 5 years but my journey started 13 years ago. I am both happy and sad that it took me so long to get to this place in my life. I am happy that through this journey I find the material and the right help for me to be in a place where I have a clear mind and peace.

Spencer

Recently, as part of a webinar series, I was ask to make a dream board.  A dream board is just a visual representation of things I want to accomplish. It could be as simple or extensive as someone wants it to be. I threw a few pictures up on a word document and I was there. I used to have a white board with life goals on them like become organized, have more quality family time, and travel. Until I created a visual display of these things then they were just words. Now they are guiding objects to work towards.

So how does this help us in recovery. When we start down the path of recovery it could be for someone else. I started to make my wife happy but in the end it did not stick because I was not doing it for myself. She was my primary focus on my board and nothing else. It is important to have others for an inspiration. They become one of the things on our dream board but they are not the primary reason for recovery. They help us work toward our sobriety. A dream board would be words and images to inspire us to go the distance.

We need to know our destination and daily reminders of what we are working toward. If we don’t have those things then we are just working to work. We also need daily reminders what we are working toward. I’m sure you can simplify all of this and just say it is goal setting. However I have set so many goals in my life and did nothing about them so for me the word GOALs is link the word DIET. I’m not going to do it. Yet the dream board helps me see what I am working for.

Spencer

I spoke with a guy the other day who seemed to be a person who had it all together. He was an open guy and would tell you how it is. It appeared that he was not able to be real with someone. He was open with people and very friendly. Yet he could not share much with others. Like most men, he seemed to be a poser. He put on a show. I happen to mention to him that he had a fake facade for others. He was adamant about telling people how it is. While being true with others is good there was not honest in his demeanor.

How can someone be true but not honest? I always thought they are the same. On the surface, they seem the same but as we dig deeper we find the difference. In many ways, we are searching for truth. Truth about others, the world, and even ourselves. Truth has no mission. It is black and white, one way or the other. It does not care about others. While honesty is personal to individuals. We are honest with others because we are sharing a piece of or ourselves. We are sharing truth with feelings and a desire to be seen as one who puts others above themselves.

Truth is unwavering but it is factual and logical. In other sense it is cold. Honesty takes truth and warms it up. It helps one to connect with someone else. It is a way to bare our hearts to others and show who we are inside and who we want to be. When we are honest, we express truth with love. If we love others we can express truth in a way the shows them one cares.

I used to like trail riding with my Yamaha 350 XT that I have sitting on the side of the house. My father in law gave it to me because he was tired of working on it. I was able to get it running great and we did quite a bit of riding with it. Ridding seasons have come and gone and it has gotten harder to start. Now it just sits on the side of the house and I look at it every once and a while and put off working on it. It still runs, but I never maintained it as I should and now I have to do harder work to get it up to par again.

Life in sobriety is the same way. I worked on recovery material, making phone calls, and going to meetings. These are the everyday things we need to do to keep our sobriety in check. So what happens once you stop doing the maintenance required? For me, it was like this. “Hello internet! I want to look up work out routines that I can do to get in shape. Oh, this lady knows what she is doing, look how fit she is, She looks good in those yoga pants as she is squatting with those weights.” Before you know it is back looking at porn again. I had relapse after relapse like this. I would then say to myself, “I need to stop. No need to tell anyone. You made a mistake that’s all this is.” Then I was into hiding everything. The importance of our dailies is to prevent us from getting back into the relapse. Relapse is not a possibility, it is a guarantee if we stop working. It does not matter if you are on day one or 10 years down the road.

Like my old bike, it needs to be maintained in order to prevent the longer hours of repairing it to run right again. Because I have not maintained it, I don’t want to go riding anymore. The same is if we don’t do our dailies; we won’t want to connect with our wives or anyone else. The difference between my bike and relapse is, it will take days and months to put ourselves back in a good sobriety, not hours.

Dailies and Maintenance are required to live a life of sobriety and there are times when they get old. That is when we need to think out of the box and to change things. Our goal is a lifetime of sobriety and joy, not sobriety and miserable.

Spencer